Stevey Majors

Pee in a Cup, Win a Prize

2009-05-05T14:39:00.007-04:00

I've slagged on Twitter plenty, but I think it's right for me. I'm hilarious, but in short spurts. Have you ever had a conversation with me for more than 20 minutes? It goes from "Whoa this guy's amazing! I can't believe how good he smells" to "Dude, stop talking about Dinosaur Jr. What is this, 1988?"

So I'll be getting one. It'll be the best Twitter ever. I'll give away prizes, nude photos of people I went to school with, and make fun of all the indie musicians you read about once in that free issue of Spin you got.

I think my band'll be ready for shows this summer... AT YOUR HOUSE.

Used to be Better at This

2009-03-05T16:38:00.004-05:00

Guess why I haven't been updating my blog this year!

A) Bad case of Bird AIDS
B) Busy saving Darfur by selling t-shirts imploring strangers to do so
C) Spending too much time kicking it like rock death

If you answered correctly, you're right!

Fucking Dinosaur Jr. I've been listening to "You're Living All Over Me" like a demon this past week. What are you listening to lately? Band of Horses? Wuss. Speaking of things that were cool in the late 80s/early-90s, my sister and all her college friends are getting on Facebook and it's absolutely adorable.

The band's called Odessa Stair, and our drummer does not exist. If you can hit things hard, get in touch with me. You'll love us, our songs are great.

Remastered Edition

2008-12-17T22:34:00.005-05:00

The band now has four members. We are fully recruited. Granted, we haven't all played together and two of them haven't even met each other, but Pavement did something like that, didn't they? Right on. We need a band name and no one liked Al Queda and his Tali Band. Dorks. I'm saving the Barry Mashroom Legend for something else. We're going to start playing together in 2009, and then blow minds soon afterwards.

I've been really digging Deerhunter and I enjoy reading Bradford Cox's blog. He seems like a crescent fresh fella. I should thank Gourley for finally pushing me into checking them out.

Jay Reatard's really awesome too. I like that he's on Matador.

There were a few job listings that I sent my resume in for. If you are in the Human Resources department for any of these places, rest assured that I am devastatingly handsome and can lift heavy things.

Robin's Bookstore is closing and it's all your fault.

Have a good goddamn holiday! Lucy already got me tickets to Game 5 of the World Series so she's probably not going to get me a Wii.

Neutered Gas Mask

2008-11-17T16:53:00.004-05:00

My brand new tooth is already chipped. Man, I suck. Am I forever doomed to have meth mouth? And I can't write songs like Shane MacGowan (yet!), so I can't get away with it like he does.

Speaking of songs, I keep writing them. But I need a drummer like mad. Tell your friends. I will give you "head."

I've been playing nothing but Legend of Mana for the past week and I feel like I'm 15 years old again. I hated being 15 years old. The only positive memories I have as a 15-year-old involve this game, and that one time my cousin was arrested. The remaining memories involve me getting smacked around by a wonderful cast of characters.

I voted for Barack Obama instead of John McCain, which as we all know is like voting for syphillis instead of AIDS. Only he can convince me that he's not a bloodthirsty capitalist. And remember, syphillis can kill you if you don't keep an eye on it. On the bright side, my peers seem to be more and more involved with positive politics, such as not holding gay people under the marriage rituals of some phony-baloney religion. Keep it up.

By the way, I don't hate all baby boomers. Isn't Tom Verlaine a baby boomer? Well there you go.

Because I'm an asshole first, and a rational human being second

2008-10-29T00:16:00.006-04:00

My dear friend Leah's latest blog post is awesome because it rails against baby boomers. Baby boomers are the worst kind of old people because they think they're still young, but it's like hey dude stop shitting in your Depends at the Pink Floyd tribute show. And that's another thing, Pink Floyd fucking sucks. And don't give me that "Oh no you can't say that they were so experimental" bullshit - my dick was experimental but was recently lauded by critics for its stunning return to form.

What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, b-booms. Stop talking about how your generation fought for civil rights, you went back to being scared of black people when you turned 35. And all the blah-blah-blah about women's liberation cloaks the fact that women were treated like cum dumpsters in tiedye. It seems that I'm addressing a white male. Big surprise!

You are nothing but a generation of sell-outs. You have given us nothing but self-doubt, international crises, and therapy bills. Your time is coming to an end. The only thing you can pray for is that we'll visit you in the nursing home, which we won't.

I'm sure I'll be complaining about Gen-X'ers in a few years (replace Pink Floyd with Pearl Jam, and tiedye with flannel), but at least they sell better pot. Apparently, my generation is called "The Millenials." I can't wait to see how much we fuck up the world. Our children will hate us because we raped the O-Zone layer and made them listen to the Arcade Fire.

No Longer Eating Your Shit

2008-10-20T17:32:00.004-04:00

I don't want to write copy. I don't want to write for someone else. I don't want to work at some place I hate. I don't want to grin and bear it. I don't want to be the office joker again. I want to write songs. I want to play guitar all day. And I will be taken seriously.

I, for one, will not settle for complaining in a blog about my shitty circumstances.

Punching the clock, punching the wall, hating your boss. You can't go if you don't know, and you can't know if you don’t go. And everybody in the world has their own song in their heads. The best songs ever. Problem is figuring a way to get them out and present them to others. - Hüsker Dü

Where Are My Manners?

2008-10-08T16:35:00.003-04:00

Since becoming unemployed, I've been enjoying the finer things in life. Like panicking. And crying. And video games.

However, there are two things I am not enjoying:

- The hipster assholes working on the mural next to my apartment. Do you really need to use the drill so much? REALLY? You fucking vegan-crunchy-bike-riding-art-school dickweeds. Your music sucks and your boyfriends are going through menopause.

- The realization that I am at the age where my hopes and dreams will officially be thrown away because I am too afraid to fail and everyone else says that my goals are dangerous and unrealistic. I have one last chance to take matters into my own hands.

I can't decide which problem bothers me the most.

Marnie Stern released the greatest album of the year yesterday. Go buy it.

The Best Time Possible on Civilian Pay

2008-08-26T11:04:00.004-04:00

http://www.untouchableincmag.com/

Check this website every day until there's content on it. Once there is, check it every hour. On a different IP.

According to Leah, I've been getting more readers, and it's all thanks to her. So I better update this thing so I can show that I'm still qualified to satisfy the internet.

I need a new job in October. Actually, I just need money. You don't have to hire me. Just give me money and I'll leave you alone.

There was a guy standing in the middle of the street on 11th and Market Saturday morning with his pants down. They're usually inside Market East Station instead of outside. If he makes it to the Hard Rock Cafe I'll empty my wallet to him. That's what rock n roll is all about - showing your balls to the milquetoast young suits fresh out of Villanova and the hapless tourists asking every passerby where they can get a good cheese steak.

Who wants to help me start the latest power-pop sensation?! Let's take harmonizing back from the pansies.

But The Acid's The Best Part!

2008-07-18T13:19:00.006-04:00

The internet was tons of fun until everyone realized that they can express their opinions on it. Seriously, fuck you. Only I may commentate on the doings of the world. For example, Let's have a bunch of honkeys throw a concert for Sudanese refugees, because I'm sure they listen to U2! Look at the yahoos that comment on cnn.com's news articles. I don't want to see these morons debate! If I wanted to see a bunch of toothless hicks scream unintelligibly, I'd go back to Kutztown (Ooh, BODY BLOW!). Of course, when I leave a comment threatening to "sodomize" any of these idiots who think bitching about "ga sprises" online will actually lower gas prices, the admin doesn't clear it. Nothing worse than a conservative message board run by liberals.

In happier news, both The Residents and The Psychic Paramount are playing Philly in a few months, so I better start "rubbing."

Mega Man 9 shall be known for many things, but I think the biggest triumph will be Splash Woman, the first female robot master. Right on, sister. Right on.

FALCON PUNCH

2008-07-03T09:21:00.004-04:00

Come to the Video Game Expo in Philadelphia in November. I would love to whoop your ass in Joust: http://www.vgxpo.com/

Between helping Lucy move, the 4th of July and various other parties, I hope I can get some writing time in. By writing I mean getting messed up and playing video games all night. Either that or rummage through my records and see if I have inherited any Neil Sedaka. My life is just getting more and more complicated.

I'm gonna be on fire when I see Dengue Fever on Monday. Cambodian fire.

Look Me In The Eye When You Tell Me That

2008-06-24T15:14:00.003-04:00

Back into the habit, back into the habit. The songs are getting written. The concept is getting solid. I am going to lose my mind and get your stomach pregnant. No more dragging feet. The Hardcore Show now exists.

Since I've last talked to you I've seen a bunch of shows performed at lame-o venues. It was great hearing Michael Stipe talking about how green is Earth's favorite color and we should save it because it's totally gay not to, and then seeing the mil-yons of SUVs in the parking lot, collectively digging into the ground so they can effectively rape the planet while they smother it. Mother Earth is into some real kinky shit. There's an easy exhaust pipe joke to be made but that may be even too ribald for me to mention.

The Residents reissues are fucking GREAT. I'm absolutely in love with those artsy hicks. Go buy them and look back at a time when underground music was underground for a reason. Throw away your shitty records while you're at it, you drip. "Oh man, I just got this new Matt Pond PA EP off iTunes!!! LOL!!!"

If This is Anyone But Steve Allen, You're Stealing My Bit

2008-06-04T14:41:00.003-04:00

Ben, Leah and I are going to get loaded and come up with a good idea for a TV show. Leah was born into having connections, so we are going to take advantage of her illustrious bloodline (hint: her and Jerry Lewis eat at the same deli). I swear to the Christ that if anyone steals my idea of a cannibalistic version of Iron Chef I will do the math on their ass.

We've got M.I.A. tomorrow and M83 on Friday. How cool is this week? However, I never did get to drink a sixer of bronsons and play Vagrant Story on Memorial Day weekend. Maybe I can squeeze that in, too.

RIP, Bo Diddley. You taught a bunch of honkeys that taught me how to play guitar. And you made the 5/4 beat sexy to a wider audience. You'll always be a gunslinger to me.

Here's Why I'm Bad At It

2008-05-20T09:39:00.008-04:00

The poets I meet tend to be unfun dorks. Not all of them, but most. They're as gentle as baby birds. Try inviting a baby bird to a night of 40s and Mario Party. What kind of loser wouldn't be down with that? I mean, come on, Mario Party! But they'll be all like "Oh no thanks my roommate and I are gonna watch her new Leonard Cohen DVD." You know what I'm talking about, I don't need to tell you.

Other poets are old, and that's like, gross.

My friends will read this and say "Fuck yeah!" but they don't know any poets. But they will drink 40s and play Mario Party while making up stories about girls at Finnegans. I can live with that. If only I could get them to read Frank O'Hara.

I'm looking forward to tonight because I get to see Lucy for the first time in almost a week, Thursday because that's the company picnic, Saturday because I get to watch Anthony play tee ball, Sunday because I'm going to drink a six pack and play Vagrant Story all day, and Monday because I get to spend the whole day with Lucy. Look at that. Stevey Majors has a busy week.

Those Can't Be Your Gums

2008-05-12T17:20:00.005-04:00

Meth is such a lame drug. Coke helps you meet girls, heroin gives you great hair, and pot teaches you how to be a man, but what does meth do? The people are ugly, meth mouth is way worse than track marks, and I think you have to live in a trailer by default. On the other hand, it is cheap. And I love cheap. So I guess I love meth. Thank you, technicalities!

Party Like Thieves

2008-05-06T14:44:00.005-04:00

The party was last Saturday and everything was ruined, it was great. My Rosie O'Donnell sign has been defiled beyond redemption, Tone made everyone laugh at rape, and Damien hit on every girl in sight. It made me miss college! Mint juleps suck, though.

Some sucka tried to buy something from Wal-Mart on my account. The good people at Wachovia have taken care of it, but I have to wait 5-7 business days for my new card. How am I going to buy my favorite products until then?

Greater Than You Think

2008-04-28T14:11:00.005-04:00

Do you play guitar, bang a big drum or tap dance? Do you like Cromagnon and the Butthole Surfers? Have you been told that you ruined your little sister's birthday party? Do you live in Philly (or pretend that you do)? Let me know, and maybe I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

Are we having a party? Yes. Yes we are.

Nacho Candidate

2008-04-20T18:58:00.009-04:00

They had an Obama rally at Independence Mall. The dude from Live was singing "Imagine" and changed one of the lyrics to "Imagine a change in Washington." While I'm happy to see Ed Kowakkalakka (whatever the fuck his name is) find work since no one's bought his CDs since 1997, seriously, fuck that guy. He sings a song that's about getting rid of bullshit like Washington, and then smashes its relevance into bits. But of course all the Obama sluts ate it up and were like "OMG THAT'S AWESOME I HOPE I CAN MEET BARACK SO HE CAN SHAVE ME." But I still have to vote for him because I want to meet Levon Helm (long story).

How come none of you ever told me to buy M83? Nicole's party last night was a real wing-ding. My party's coming in two weeks. Get ready, mang.

Rock n Roll is no place for solemn dignity

2008-04-13T20:50:00.008-04:00

Lucy and I saw the Swimmers, Capitol Years and BC Camplight on Friday (at Johnny Brenda's, the best goddamn place in Philly). Never heard of BC, but the bartender assured us they brought the shit. Brought the shit they did indeed. The singer played piano, drank whisky, wore a combat helmet and grew a beard at the same time. He said he wanted us to dance. What do you think I did?

I wrote a couple poems in the past two weeks, gettin' back in the groove. I need to start going to readings again so I can meet more people. I'm such a good phony, and yet I'm allowing this ability to go to waste. Not very proactive. See, if I was born on the West Coast, this part of me would have been nourished, and I would be such a successful piece of shit by now.

I think I should just keep wearing this same hat all the time. After five years, why stop now? Also, I want to learn how to paint, which I think means I just have to buy some paint.

Whose Karaoke Machine is This?

2008-04-03T21:45:00.008-04:00

The inelegance of MySpace has brought me here, and why not? Ken Levine, Ron Silliman and Bob "Freakin'" Mould have real estate here, why shouldn't the S dot Majors?

I'm not going to allow my inherent arrogance get in the way of this precious moment. It is my duty as an American to keep my head together. Every year I proclaim on whatever blog I'm maintaining that this year -THIS year- is gonna be so damn awesome and I'm gonna submit poems to magazines and start a band and give hair-shaving performances and send letters to Scarlett Johansson requesting her shoe size and car bomb the chick from Rilo Kiley, but nothing ever comes of it. If I don't change that attitude this year, I am officially in a rut.

Fortunately, 2008 has already been going in my favor: Lucy and I are doing very well, I'm sleeping in a bed for the first time in over a year, a good part of my poetic output is holding up against my erratic standards, and my guitaring is improving. The merry, merry month of May is when a few of my friends either graduate or return to this country - they might be able to help.

This is easily the stablest I've been in years. It's time to 1. move and 2. shake.